Come on out!

My due date was the 10th and now it's the 12th. So ready to meet our daughter!

Things are looking up kid

Is it possible that I am finally letting go?  Enjoying the ride and appreciating my life for once?  I can finally say yes!  Everything I want is coming together.  It wasn't easy and tears were shed for sure.  I'm learning that being a good parent is understanding that you can't control everything.  Life happens and that includes unpleasant things as well.  The apartment hunt is going well.  We found a place that is yes a little small but it is a one bedroom and its really really nice.  Money is being saved for the midwife, moving expenses, and our up coming trip to New Orleans.  I can't wait for Frank to finally meet my family and to see all my lovely pregnant friends.  I even get to experience one of the lovely ladies baby shower.  I even finally took Ella to the vet to update her shots and Frank got us renters insurance!  I feel like a bonafide adult these days.

Also holy crap my belly just grew over night and I'm not even half way done yet.  Its actually so beautiful and I'm so happy to say I love my new body.  Monday the 23rd we find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  While I have been dreaming of a little boy I honestly don't care.  I will love our baby no matter what.  I hope you are healthy little one and your doing OK in their.    

no one told me about this

Honestly I don't know how to write about this.  I will do the best I can but I'm not sure I can convey the amount of sadness and fear I have these days.  I started spotting Tuesday night.  It seemed like a lot but I told myself it was OK.  We had only one month before been through a spotting scare where I mentally lost it.  It was like the world was falling around me and I couldn't calm down.  We drove to Los Gatos to see get an ultra sound and all was well.  The spotting ended after 24 hours.  This time I waited till I woke up Wednesday morning to email my midwife to let her know I was spotting and I had also passed a clot that morning.  She emailed back a few hours later and said I could come in to hear the baby's heartbeat which I gladly did.  The appointment went fine and we heard the baby's heartbeat.  I felt relived but the spotting never stopped.

  The next day I started cramping and passing more clots.  It wasn't until Friday when we were at the movies that I needed answers.  Something was definitely wrong and I needed to go to the hospital.  Frank was completely supportive while we waited to be looked at.  The look of pure joy on his face when we got an ultra sound and he saw the baby alive and well was beautiful.  For some reason I couldn't be happy.  My mind just switched to what could be the next thing wrong with this pregnancy?  Placenta?  Cervix?  What is it?  A hour later a doctor checked my cervix and god knows what else.  He wasn't very helpful at all.  It was close to 1am at that point, I had been in the emergency room since 8:30pm and all my questions had disappeared out of my head.  Instead I was a nodding idiot while he rattled off a few statistics and said my pregnancy isn't viable till 22 weeks.  He recommended bed rest and he was gone.  

Next day I rested and tried to keep things chill.  My cramps were gone when I woke up and by 2pm my spotting was practically gone. 

  Its Sunday now and I feel fine except I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy.  I'm afraid of losing the baby and afraid of how that will affect my life.  I'm pissed that I don't have any answers to why I was cramping and spotting.  I feel like I'm failing at being pregnant.  I know I should be grateful for the experience no matter how long it lasts and I should be happy that right now we're OK.  I wanted to have a baby so bad and I thought pregnancy would be this fun, amazing experience.  But every time I start to enjoy it something happens.  I can't seem to let go and be happy.  I just want to stay still and listen to Tori Amos, praying that everything will be OK.  I told Frank today how I felt and I wish I didn't.  Because I really feel all over the place right now.  I don't want him to think I don't love the baby because I do.  Sigh... maybe tomorrow will be better.          

baby baby please let me hold you

Its been a while journal.  If you haven't noticed the blogs name has changed from "Thunder Thighs" to "Smells like baby spirit."  The reason is well duh, I'm having a baby and I really want to share the experience with anyone who wants read this.  Much has changed since starting this journal.  I met a wonderful man whom I've become domestic partners with and now we are starting a family in Oakland.  I'm excited to have such a great supportive person who loves being vegan, enjoys music, and is so kind to all people.  Life is good!  I can't wait to meet our baby and to be great parents!   I am also finally 12 weeks tomorrow.  My due date has changed three times, which has been frustrating but its only been by a week or two.  Anyway the baby doesn't care about due dates so I need to just chill out.  I also passed my first glucose test!  I was really worried that I might not pass.  I still have to take a second one and I'm totally OK with that especially if it benefits the little one.  I will be back to cooking healthy vegan meals and posting about them as well.  Take care friends.          

Quitting weight watchers

So I quit Weight Watchers.  I love what the program has done for me and I appreciate the knowledge I got from WW but my ship has sailed on to a more natural way to get healthy.  Engine 2, eat to live and Dr. McDougall program are way more appealing to me.  I like that they are more plant based.  It makes more sense to me as a vegan.  I'm also really into Fatfreevegan.com
I just made the blueberry chocolate cake and it was delicious.

So here's to a new year, new goals and an awesome boyfriend who is joining me on my adventure to better health.

Cheers!

I've been drinkin and its got me thinkin

Stolen Heart by Sheley2

I've recently been in a relationship that was absolutely perfect except for a few things that just bothered me so much I let it build up to the point that I ended it without even really thinking it over at all.  It just happened.  I was tired, emotional, and hungry and man I just fucking lost it.  So..  I am a gal who enjoys her space.  I need me time.  I had just come back from a two week vacation where it was all family visiting time all the time.  Which is great and I love my crazy little family to pieces but when I got home all I wanted to do was sleep in, enjoy my crappy little apartment, and love my pets.  I didn't realize how important that was until it was too late.  The other thing that bothers me about dating is this.. if you like someone don't you want to get to know them?  Ask them questions about there life, family, hopes, and dreams.  Isn't that a solid way of showing someone that you really like them?  So if someone doesn't really do those things and says they like you, what the hell are they liking?  This seems to be a recurring thing in my relationships and frankly I'm sick of it.  I'm not fucking compromising on this.  I shouldn't have too!  


So I'm on my own again and I'm OK with that (well you know trying to be).  I know from this relationship experience that I need to learn how to compromise my time a little and be very clear about when I need time on my own.  But I have to also remember an important part of a relationship is spending time together.  Duh.  I've just been so used to doing my own thing and enjoying the daydream of the perfect dude that I forgot that dudes are just like me (messy, emotional, only human) and that I should give real people a chance.  I want someone to like me for who I am not what I am.  I don't want someone to need me to complete them or change them, I want separate but equal, I want someone to be secure in there awesomeness, and most of all I want them to be happy not just because they are in a relationship but because they have someone to share there awesome wonderful life with.  

For me I need to quiet the "this is going to fail voice and enjoy the person I'm with."
Openly communicate and be honest about my feelings.  I also just need to stop worrying about shit.  More positive, less negative.  I need to stop thinking every girl the guy I'm in a relationship introduces me to is just some girl he had a crush on or whatever.  On one hand if someone has constant crushes on people that give them the slightest attention well then they do have issues and maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship until you learn to love yourself, but you know healthy crushes are a part of life and should and do happen.  There were girls before me, I need to get over it.  So here is my letter to the dude.


Dear Dude,
                      I hella miss you.  And I'm sorry I was a dick, I'm sorry I was scared to talk about my wants, I'm sorry I was afraid you didn't really like me, and I'm sorry to say I'm just a messy person too.  I hope while we figure our shit out we can stay friends, and maybe one day meet at Peet's on Market and pick up where fate left us. 
-Layne     

snacking and drinking

Know what happens when you drink a lot and snack a bunch?  You gain two pounds.  Sigh.  This week has been a bust.  I only exercised once.  I went to a Tuesday boot camp that kicked my ass so hard I was sore for days.  I miss smoking.  Its so hard to not join my smoking friends when they go out to smoke.  I've got to stay strong and focus on the benefits of not smoking.  Yesterday I treated myself to a bang trim at Cowboys and Angels and I went to the brow bar and got my brows done.  It was so nice to spend time alone.  This weeks topic was Meatless Moves.  Something I do every day but I definitely need to start cooking more.  My meals have become routine and boring.  I'm off to go shopping for the week and plan out some fun workouts through the YMCA.