no one told me about this

Honestly I don't know how to write about this.  I will do the best I can but I'm not sure I can convey the amount of sadness and fear I have these days.  I started spotting Tuesday night.  It seemed like a lot but I told myself it was OK.  We had only one month before been through a spotting scare where I mentally lost it.  It was like the world was falling around me and I couldn't calm down.  We drove to Los Gatos to see get an ultra sound and all was well.  The spotting ended after 24 hours.  This time I waited till I woke up Wednesday morning to email my midwife to let her know I was spotting and I had also passed a clot that morning.  She emailed back a few hours later and said I could come in to hear the baby's heartbeat which I gladly did.  The appointment went fine and we heard the baby's heartbeat.  I felt relived but the spotting never stopped.

  The next day I started cramping and passing more clots.  It wasn't until Friday when we were at the movies that I needed answers.  Something was definitely wrong and I needed to go to the hospital.  Frank was completely supportive while we waited to be looked at.  The look of pure joy on his face when we got an ultra sound and he saw the baby alive and well was beautiful.  For some reason I couldn't be happy.  My mind just switched to what could be the next thing wrong with this pregnancy?  Placenta?  Cervix?  What is it?  A hour later a doctor checked my cervix and god knows what else.  He wasn't very helpful at all.  It was close to 1am at that point, I had been in the emergency room since 8:30pm and all my questions had disappeared out of my head.  Instead I was a nodding idiot while he rattled off a few statistics and said my pregnancy isn't viable till 22 weeks.  He recommended bed rest and he was gone.  

Next day I rested and tried to keep things chill.  My cramps were gone when I woke up and by 2pm my spotting was practically gone. 

  Its Sunday now and I feel fine except I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy.  I'm afraid of losing the baby and afraid of how that will affect my life.  I'm pissed that I don't have any answers to why I was cramping and spotting.  I feel like I'm failing at being pregnant.  I know I should be grateful for the experience no matter how long it lasts and I should be happy that right now we're OK.  I wanted to have a baby so bad and I thought pregnancy would be this fun, amazing experience.  But every time I start to enjoy it something happens.  I can't seem to let go and be happy.  I just want to stay still and listen to Tori Amos, praying that everything will be OK.  I told Frank today how I felt and I wish I didn't.  Because I really feel all over the place right now.  I don't want him to think I don't love the baby because I do.  Sigh... maybe tomorrow will be better.