I've been drinkin and its got me thinkin

Stolen Heart by Sheley2

I've recently been in a relationship that was absolutely perfect except for a few things that just bothered me so much I let it build up to the point that I ended it without even really thinking it over at all.  It just happened.  I was tired, emotional, and hungry and man I just fucking lost it.  So..  I am a gal who enjoys her space.  I need me time.  I had just come back from a two week vacation where it was all family visiting time all the time.  Which is great and I love my crazy little family to pieces but when I got home all I wanted to do was sleep in, enjoy my crappy little apartment, and love my pets.  I didn't realize how important that was until it was too late.  The other thing that bothers me about dating is this.. if you like someone don't you want to get to know them?  Ask them questions about there life, family, hopes, and dreams.  Isn't that a solid way of showing someone that you really like them?  So if someone doesn't really do those things and says they like you, what the hell are they liking?  This seems to be a recurring thing in my relationships and frankly I'm sick of it.  I'm not fucking compromising on this.  I shouldn't have too!  


So I'm on my own again and I'm OK with that (well you know trying to be).  I know from this relationship experience that I need to learn how to compromise my time a little and be very clear about when I need time on my own.  But I have to also remember an important part of a relationship is spending time together.  Duh.  I've just been so used to doing my own thing and enjoying the daydream of the perfect dude that I forgot that dudes are just like me (messy, emotional, only human) and that I should give real people a chance.  I want someone to like me for who I am not what I am.  I don't want someone to need me to complete them or change them, I want separate but equal, I want someone to be secure in there awesomeness, and most of all I want them to be happy not just because they are in a relationship but because they have someone to share there awesome wonderful life with.  

For me I need to quiet the "this is going to fail voice and enjoy the person I'm with."
Openly communicate and be honest about my feelings.  I also just need to stop worrying about shit.  More positive, less negative.  I need to stop thinking every girl the guy I'm in a relationship introduces me to is just some girl he had a crush on or whatever.  On one hand if someone has constant crushes on people that give them the slightest attention well then they do have issues and maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship until you learn to love yourself, but you know healthy crushes are a part of life and should and do happen.  There were girls before me, I need to get over it.  So here is my letter to the dude.


Dear Dude,
                      I hella miss you.  And I'm sorry I was a dick, I'm sorry I was scared to talk about my wants, I'm sorry I was afraid you didn't really like me, and I'm sorry to say I'm just a messy person too.  I hope while we figure our shit out we can stay friends, and maybe one day meet at Peet's on Market and pick up where fate left us. 
-Layne     

snacking and drinking

Know what happens when you drink a lot and snack a bunch?  You gain two pounds.  Sigh.  This week has been a bust.  I only exercised once.  I went to a Tuesday boot camp that kicked my ass so hard I was sore for days.  I miss smoking.  Its so hard to not join my smoking friends when they go out to smoke.  I've got to stay strong and focus on the benefits of not smoking.  Yesterday I treated myself to a bang trim at Cowboys and Angels and I went to the brow bar and got my brows done.  It was so nice to spend time alone.  This weeks topic was Meatless Moves.  Something I do every day but I definitely need to start cooking more.  My meals have become routine and boring.  I'm off to go shopping for the week and plan out some fun workouts through the YMCA. 

What the hell?!!

Today's weigh in was a bummer!  I gained 8 ounces and while I did indulge in some souly vegan food on Wednesday and beers last night with the cutest guy, I also exercised every day (I think, crap I don't remember).  Well maybe I should give this whole tracking thing a whirl because I honestly am having serious gaps of memory missing.  Some weeks feel like months and this one was one of them.  I missed Thursday night boot camp for some adult fun at the California Academy of Sciences.  What a great night!  I got to go to easily one of my favorite places in the city for cheap, see Best Coast play, and I was in bed by 11 pm!  I would say that was a success!  I also socialized, even though that shit is so hard for me.  I smiled, made small talk, and enjoyed the company of my new friend.


Work out goal:   I'm dragging my butt to a 5:30 am boot camp class and I really would love to do some laps at the pool as well.


Running update:  Couch to 5k is going well.  I need new running shoes but aside from that I can run with out feeling like I'm going to die for once.  I'm so glad I quit smoking.  I miss it so much but I know its so bad for me and it was holding me back.  But damn.

Also folks thanks for all the compliments.  Every day I'm getting so many positive comments and I feel like I'm really breaking ground here on becoming a healthier woman.  Life is so great and I am enjoying it so much but I keep thinking in the back of my head its just going to blow up in my face.  I wish I could just sit back and enjoy it and be OK with the bad days.      

Go to lunch

Happy boy farm's spring mix with lemon cucumber, pine nuts, green cucumber, chickpeas, champagne vinegarette, lemon juice, avocado,  and pepper.

couch-to-5K

its been a while since I asked someone to take my photo

Things are going really well!  I will quickly list the awesome things that happened this week starting with my Weight Watchers meeting.

• Weigh in went so great!  I met my 5 pound goal finally!  I am now down 6.8 pounds!  Hell yes! 
• At the meeting I actually talked.  I mentioned how I got a bike to partake on non-food activities which was our homework for the week.  While I love meeting up with friends for dinner and ect I would also like more activities with friends. 
• I'm trying to organize a friendly skirt ride with a few ladies that I love.  Hopefully this weekend it will happen. 
• I got my first two bravos! 
• Today I did day one of couch-to-5k program and it wasn't so bad.  I was bummed that the track wasn't available for me to run on, so I had to do it on the treadmill.  

• Oakland Marathon, I will be doing the full Marathon in March!  I'm so nervous and excited.  Hopefully I can get a friend to do it with me.  But if not I'm going to rock that shit!

I'm off to take Prudence around the lake to my friends house.  Second ride finally!   

new bike :)

Pets are very curious about Prudence!

This week has been pretty productive.  I got this new bike which I named Prudence. Why Prudence?

1. because I love the song Dear Prudence
2. Prudence is such a great name
3. Charmed.  Yes I totally love that show

Prudence and I went for our first bike ride and it was a little rocky.  I had the seat too low and it was killing my knees.  I also didn't have the gears down so I tried to go up a hill and switch my gears at the same time.  I ended up switching to the hardest gear and fell off my bike.  I rode back to the bike shop and had my seat fixed.  I felt totally retarded going back but the guy was really awesome (and cute too).  With my seat repaired I decided what the hell lets ride around the lake.  It was amazing and a little scary.  I was around the lake so fast.  It was crazy!  Its weird how I can feel every little bump and really have to pay attention to uneven roads or tiny pot holes.  My old bikes tires were so big I didn't really even notice these things.  So yeah I'm in love with my new bike but I'm also afraid to leave her outside even with two u locks.  

Wednesday nights are shaping up to be my walk around the lake with my buddy Yvette and after-wards beer revolution for a beer and Souly Vegan for delicious food.  I have to be careful because I can eat way to much food from them.   

 Boot camp was intervals on Thursday.  I didn't really know what that meant but now I know it means delicious torture.  Basically it was a lot of sprinting and slow jogging (or walking mostly in my case).  It was intense but also great!  After my friends and I went for a walk to the Cleveland cascade stairs.  I only went up and down twice but my friends rocked it.  It was very inspirational and awesome to do boot camp and then more exercise with these ladies.  Hopefully this will become my every day Thursday night.

My last weigh in I gained.  I know my eating isn't great and I'm working on it daily.  I gained 4 ounces.  Not to bad.  This Saturday I expect to not lose much.  I need to get moving all week but the call of netflicks is so loud and tempting after a long day at work.
 

let down

This weeks meeting I was pumped!  I walked a lot and ate such good wholesome foods (mostly).  I thought for sure I lost 2 maybe 3 pounds and I was ready to tell the world.  But when I got on the scale it was the same weight I was last week.  I lost 0.0 pounds and I was pretty upset.  I couldn't even keep a clear head for the meeting because I kept going through my head "what did I do wrong?"  I only tracked one day and that could be it.  While I kept moving I did eat some questionable things with out weighing them out or even trying to figure out the points value, I guess I didn't think it would add up.  So I gave my self today to get over it and tomorrow I'm back on track.  I will definitely try harder at tracking to keep myself accountable.  I know I shouldn't be beating myself up over what the scale says and congratulating myself on all the little great things I did all week.  For example I went hiking with a friend even though it was so hot and did a little off trail climb that had my heart racing (for fear of falling, broken bones ect).  Or eating more veggies instead of vegan tofurky pizzas every day.  I also don't drink coffee every day anymore and started drinking decaf tea which for me is crazy.  I like tea sure.  But I usually don't drink it unless I'm sick.  Today to help me on my journey I bought the vegan cookbook The Kind Diet.  It looks really great and I'm excited to use it.  So tomorrow is another day and I will succeed.  xxoo     

work out for july 20, 2011

Oh today was very active.  My activity partner and I hit the stairs at work for our now daily ten minute stair climb.  I can still only do 4 reps.  Then my friend whom I met through derby last year met me for some serious stair climbing and walking around the lake.  Sadly I forgot my phone but here are pics taken from bing images.  I feel so lucky to live in a neighborhood with such fun places to get active and have friends to support me in my new adventures.  It makes it a hell of a lot easier. 

accidently vegan

So some how through this cleanse I became vegan.  The cleanse itself doesn't necessarily ask you to eat vegan.  I think its all in moderation.  But as my week went by I realized I wasn't eating any dairy at all and the more I thought about seafood the more I realized I was kind of over it.  I don't know how long this kick will last but I have to say I feel great.  I've been eating tons of veggies and fruits mostly raw.  Usually I have to force the veggies but I've just been eating them with no problems at all.  Did my palate finally catch up with my brain?  Well who knows.  All I know is I met my weekly goal!  I was hoping for 189 but got 190.  Hell I'll take it!  I'm super stoked!  Can't wait to get to my 10% goal of 175.5!


The topic was "Love your fruits and veggies."  Really weird that it came up during the week I had a veggie epiphany!  Veggies rule and help you lose weight!  Pass it on.   
This weeks goals: lose 2 pounds, track at least three days, and do one new fun class at the YMCA.
Weekly homework at meeting today: Hit the farmers market!  Which for me is easy peasy because I am lucky enough to have my meeting and one of the most fabulous local farmers markets on the same day, a few blocks from each other.  I went and got a huge bag of mixed greens for 5 bucks.  And since I call Saturday "Faturday" I got my weekly pastry and luckily the bakery I usually hit up has vegan offerings.  I got a delicious banana walnut muffin.  

xoxo

Cleanse

Ahh a new week, a new weigh in, and so much promise.  My last meeting I lost almost 2 pounds.  I'm almost out of the 190's and I'm so excited.  This Monday I started a cleanse to get me into the habit of eating more veggies and fruit.  Its only been three days but I'm really enjoying it.  The first two days I wound up with headaches and feeling quite grouchy.  I wanted my coffee and I wanted to crawl back in bed never to be seen again.  Yet I'm keeping it up.  I've been walking the lake, and spending my breaks walking up and down the stairs by my work. Yesterday I had the pleasure of walking the lake with my crush and while it was really awesome I went home feeling a little bummed.  The F word (friend) was dropped more than once just in case I didn't hear it the first time.  Yo, I get it!  I can have a crush on you and I assure you I am not the kind of lady to make any real kind of move, especially sober.  I can be your friend and be very happy with that. Anyway my point is the old me would use that as an excuse to go home and eat as many calories as possible till I felt sick.  Super self destructive.   Instead I went home accepted that nothing is going to happen aside from having a new friend, skyped with my awesome sisters, and had a chat about it with a friend on the phone.  It was a positive step that at the time seemed insignificant but later on today I had to give myself some serious props for it.      

  Exercise:  Today I went to the gym and did a little bit of running and fast walking on the treadmill.  It felt great to run to Sleighbells!  I highly recommend it.  The only problem I had was running in my vans, not so smart.  I also did the stairs for ten minutes at work.



Weekly Topic:  weight watchers topic for this week was getting something to help you achieve your WW goals.  I think doing this cleanse was a great choice for me.  I'm drinking more water, listening to my body, sleeping well, and eating lots of wholesome foods.  I really love eating vegan and I hope after I'm done the cleanse I keep it up.  I was thinking about how much cheese I would of consumed after three days and its kind of embarrassing how easy it is to get carried away with it at work.

Goal for next weigh in: 189!  Fingers crossed.   

xoxo  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kJ05P-71gY

Missed meeting

Last week I missed my meeting due to my dog freaking over all the fun firework activity in the oakland sky.  Today I did make my meeting even though I was exhausted.  I lost two pounds and while that might not sound like a big deal I think with all the holiday play that's pretty great!  My goal for next meeting is to get under 190.  If I cut back on the beer and start exercising more I think that can be done.  Party on Wayne.

Smoothies

This smoothie has a shot of beet juice, water, organic apple juice, strawberries, blueberries, and one carrot.  I also added hemp seeds and one super-food.  I'm trying not to go crazy with the smoothies here but they are such a great way to add veggies/fruit to my diet.   

Geting sick and staying on top of hunger

Well I got sick for a week and I gained the weight I lost back.. already.  Luckily I did not go home and cry about it.  Instead I rode my bike around, hung out with a friend and walked the lake, and then meet up with dream boy for a quick hangout in moss wood park.  It felt great to ride my bike around and enjoy the beauty that is Oakland.  I ended up riding more after I left the park to places I'm usually nervous to ride.  I still hate hate hate my bike.  I want a new one so bad.  I just know if I had a bike I loved to ride I would be out there enjoying the wind blowing through my hair.
  So this meeting we covered hunger and how it affects us.  On the e-tools you can actually track hunger as your day goes by.  So you track how you feel before a meal and then how you felt after wards.  I had a serious trend going on.  I would wait till my stomach was growling and I was irritable, then I would eat a ton of food and feel ridiculously full.  I would also eat what I wanted, not what I needed.  I was going days with out drinking water or eating veggies.  Any way tracking it has really helped.  Also my new vita mix blender!  Yes I got a very stupid expensive blender and it was worth it!  I've been drinking tasty green smoothies and this morning I accidentally made strawberry/carrot/apple sauce which I had for dessert today.  I feel like I'm healthier.  Especially since I've been actually outside walking everyday, or riding my bike.
I even went to the YMCA for the first time since I think October!  I did a cycling class with my lovely friend.  It wasn't easy to do but I'm glad I finished the class.  Also Whiskey is 4 points!  What!!  This past Friday I basicly drank all my points for the day.  So sad!

Week one under my belt

I joined weight watchers a few weeks ago and finally got the courage to go back to my favorite meeting, to face the scale.  I knew I had hit a all time high.  After my May adventure camping with buddies I got some of the pictures back from the trip and my jaw hit the floor when I saw the ones of me.  My idea of what I looked like and the cameras was totally different.  I was shocked!  But it took having a crush on a guy and seeing a pretty girl talk to him to make me want to change my weight, my self esteem, and the way I go about handling my life.  I was sick of tired of the what ifs.  I was sick of being the ghost girl.  I was tired of not being noticed, and most of all I really hated how low I thought of myself.   So blog readers I'm here to bare it all and to share my experience as I go about this.

So first meeting.  I faced the scale and it was bad but I didn't cry about it.  I was at  195!  I don't even remember what we talked about but I really was happy when my WW leader said its really great to see you again Elaine.  I like her a lot and I think that's important.  I love saying "I'm AWESOME" at the end of the meetings because after my meeting I really do feel awesome.

I went to my second meeting this past Saturday and my ww leader was out and a nice gal took her place.  I liked her too and its nice to have a back up plan.  I had lost 1.6 even though I was sick all week and only exercised three times and ate OK.  I tracked two out of seven days.  I also made the veggie soup and added some tofu.  It looks fried but I used less than a teaspoon.  Its the beauty of a le creuset pan.